I completed OAMC, and lived to tell about it (barely!)
But you’ll have to wait, because I have something more pressing to get off my chest today.
A friend of mine who has also been struggling with infertility sent me the link to a blog post that lists out clever ways to post your pregnancy on Facebook. A woman struggling with IF posted the article to her blog, but added her own comments below each different way to post.
At first, I got a good little chuckle at some of the points, but then, I got really, really sad for the author. Reading the comments made me sad, too. The point of the post was to point out how insensitive it is to Facebook a pregnancy announcement. For the record, I couldn’t disagree more. People compared it to having handicapped friends in wheelchairs and constantly posting about running or hiking. They called people who post a cheesy pregnancy announcements “obnoxious” and the mothers “attention whores”. I can’t think of anything more absurd.
First of all, Facebook should be filled with friends and family and people that you love. I know, most of us have acquaintances on there, but I hope that the people you are real friends with outweigh them. I’m on Facebook because I want to hear what’s going on with my friends and family. I’m genuinely interested in what happens in their lives. I get excited when someone posts about a promotion, or a move, or a new house. I get super excited about engagements and parties. I’m glad that people allow me to know what is going on with them. In my very busy life, when I can’t have a girl’s night every week, it allows me to stay in touch. If I didn’t want to stay in touch, I wouldn’t be on Facebook.
Now, regarding pregnancy announcements, that’s a part of my friends’ lives. A big part. When you’re 28 years old, pretty much everyone you know is pregnant or has a baby. Most of my friends have 2. As someone who has been trying to get pregnant for 5+ years, I will say that sometimes those announcements sting a little. That’s completely natural when someone is celebrating something that you long to have. However, that is my personal issue. I would never, ever make someone feel badly about posting a pregnancy announcement. And after that initial sting, I am so, SOOO, happy for them! Having a baby is exciting and magical – that’s why I’m trying!
For me, many of the people that are on my Facebook know that we’ve been trying for awhile. And they have offered kind words, and prayed for us, and sent sweet notes. I can think of nothing more exciting than the day when I get to make a cheesy pregnancy announcement letting them know that we are finally going to have a baby! And you know what, they are my friends, and they will be genuinely happy for me. Of course I’ll tell most of them in real life first, but you’d better believe both the picture of the positive pregnancy test and sonogram pictures are going up! And every chance I get, I’m going to post how thankful I am that I’m getting to be a part of a miracle, and how excited I am that my belly is growing. And occasionally, I’m going to post about symptoms, and I might even complain when pregnancy gets hard. And you know what, I have every right to do that. Not because I’ve had trouble conceiving, but because any woman that wants a baby, and gets pregnant, and gets to experience the wonderfulness of creating a life gets the right to post about it.
I’m sad that so many of those women were so incredibly bitter. Is there nothing else in life worth celebrating? Some of those comments seriously had me concerned that these women spend every single day in complete and total despair, and that’s a terrible way to live. Yes, I want a baby. But you know what? I have the most wonderful husband, and we seriously have SO MUCH FUN together and laugh every single day. My family rocks. I have friends that think I’m totally awesome, and I adore them. I have a house that’s fantastic, and a yard that I get to play in. So if I never get pregnant, I’ll grieve for sure, but I have a helluva lot to be thankful for, and I will not live in sadness for the rest of my days.
And I would say to those women who are struggling – I understand. I know it’s hard, and I know that sometimes it’s necessary to hide updates from people on bad days. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad when you see another announcement, and it’s okay to cry.
What’s not okay, is making others feel bad for celebrating in such a joyous occasion. Shame on you if you take part in it. If they knew how you felt, and what you were going through, I very highly doubt they would talk badly about you, or make you feel bad. So why would you do that to them?
I just don’t get it.
8 comments:
I so appreciate your perspective on this. I won't even pretend to understand the struggles that you go through each day, but I would never wish to take away the joy from someone I truly cared about just because God's plan didn't match up with my desires at the present time.
Thanks for being so honest, even when those announcements certainly must break your heart.
Very true. I had a hard time with Facebook too and those announcements would sting, but I would either hide those people so I didn't have to see updates all the time or I would take a break from Facebook. And those girls who say they will never ever post pregnancy related things on FB will probably change their minds once they do get pregnant. I really appreciated your words on this because I have wondered if my posting things on FB is hurting people or if I shouldn't post at all. I do think it's made me more sensitive and caused me to have some perspective and maybe not say things thoughtlessly like I may have before I went through all this. I still pray for you all the time and I just know you will get to post that positive pregnancy test someday soon!
Goodness I've seen this kind of thing happen with some of my friends on facebook. I remember one specificaly where the girl announced it and people started to bash her asking who the father was and that she never learned to, "keep her legs closed" its kinda terrible what are world is becoming. I'm in no position to get pregnant or even married for that point but I have PCOS and some other problems, so the doctor told me its gonna be real rough for me to get pregnant one day. Your blog makes me think one day I'll have a chance! God bless girl and I hope that you will have a baby coming soon :)
Wonderful wonderful post! I completely agree that every woman has a right to announce her pregnancy on facebook (or not) if she so desires. And every lady has a right to complain when pregnancy gets rough. It's not a walk in the park. But I do think some women need to learn how to filter what they put on facebook. The nonstop complaining I see from some casual friends is just over the top. And I will hide them. And I don't feel bad about it at all. :) I'm happy for them. But really? If every post you make is a complaint? Pregnant or not I'm hiding you!
Wonderful post! I'm with you about the FBing announcements and pictures: The people who I am friends with on FB are my friends and family, people who know we've struggled and are happy for us.
There is a LOT of biterness in the IF world. I remember once reading a blog where a girl said she wanted to push a pregnant girl down the stairs at some event and my heart just sank. A baby is a PRECIOUS GIFT no matter what the circumstance. Any IF'er should know the miracle of conception, the bazillion things that have to happen in order for that little life to be created. GOD wants that person here so badly for whatever reason He has determined. The gift of life should be appreciated by us all. Do we have to do cartwheels and throw a party for them? NO. But being bitter or hateful is so sad. We need to pray for those! Pray that God will soften their hearts and heal their hurts. And remind us all that our lives are not meant to be compared to anyone else's in any way. God's appointment for each of us is special and unique and BLESSED. If IF taught me anything, it is that.
XOXO
Thank you for this daring post. ;)
I couldn't agree with you more! I have always had these same thoughts, just never expressed them.
I think often people with infertility struggle with envy and jealousy...and that's OKAY. I've been there! And, time to time, I return there.
However, when it gets out of control and we are tearing down others (both publicly and privately) because they have what we don't, it's not okay. That's when it is time to step away from Facebook or those people for awhile until we get ourselves under control. And that's okay as well.
Life is not about us. It is about glorifying God under all circumstances.
But, especially as Christian women, we should try to build others up, and perhaps, those same people will try to build us up as well through our struggles and through our triumphs.
I absolutely agree with you. As someone who knows people who struggle with infertility (and as someone who has suffered through secondary infertility and miscarriages myself) I find myself walking on eggshells and the thing is - they're going to find out one day when I start posting baby pics. It is hard to see the announcements, no denying it there.
My Facebook is filled with family and friends who are too far away to see or talk with except through Facebook (I don't have long distance on my phone). I know that a friend of mine from middle and high school lost her baby boy mid-pregnancy and every time I posted something for family/friends about my recent pregnancy with my son I felt a sting of concern for her.
There are now ways to post things so only certain people can see things but then I can see people complaining about being excluded. You just can't win. I say just post what is going on in your life and stay positive. It doesn't do good for women to say nasty things about other women for something out of their control or for something those pregnant women may not even know is going on in their IF friend's life.
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